Tag: sad

Poets and Kings

Posted on by Jahnavi Dhir

Inspired by the song ‘soldier, poet, king”

I thought I’d get poet. I got king. Very fitting indeed. 

Born with a sword in hand, he was meant to rule
Spoke his words with symphony sadness forever ensued 
They couldn’t be more different even if they tried 
This is the melancholy of poets and kings alike. 

The one with the crown, which shone ever so bright
Wished he could give his responsibilities away, even if just for a night
The one with the mind bound to be hazy, 
Wished he could stop thinking about the horrors of existence
And not be as lazy
They couldn’t be more different even if they tried, 
This is the melancholy of poets and kings alike. 

Both were tired of living with a burden
One with the role to give away his life,
During the battles of Buxar or Verdun alike 
One living a life that seemed so carefree it was almost an illusion 
Only the poet knew that it was just a delusion  
They couldn’t be more different even if they tried, 
This is the melancholy of poets and kings alike. 

This isn’t to say that they didn’t have their own perks 
But shiny houses could only bring so much identity  
And not having to saving a kingdom could bring only so much serenity 
Living as imposters in their skin, 
They had been curated by their own kin.
They couldn’t be more different even if they tried, 
This is the melancholy of poets and kings alike. 

He woke up at midnight almost every day. 
With ideas blooming in mind, some he wished went away. 
He was a tortured soul having seen the world raw, 
He knew they could chew him up so he had to put up a thick wall

On the other hand, he was fed with gold, 
Silver and diamonds were used to make his home. 
He had no recollection of when he chose to bear the throne, 
He could only remember his years alone. 
There weren’t many, who shared his sadness 
Only few were meant for this madness. 

On a doomed full moon night
Both of them sat up straight, 
As the moon sparked through their windows, 
“why do i have to grow
why do i have to do anything
cant i just let my demons consume me and simply die” 
They knew that was just wishful thinking, 
They knew the moon was their only linking. 
They couldn’t be more different even if they tried, 
This is the melancholy of poets and kings alike. 
This is the melancholy of poets and kings alike. 
This is the melancholy of poets and kings alike.

Thanks snakers for reading. Love you all!

tears of a student

Posted on by Jahnavi Dhir

before I start talking about this poem- a quick mention to the prompt I got at WordPress. It said to write about my father or a father figure in my life, and to that I say, no thank you WordPress I’ve trauma dumped enough here already.

Anyways, sorry for being awol for months. I hated writing for a hot second there. I hated reading, writing, even calligraphy. I think I have successfully, burnt out in my senior year, not good timing. I think today’s poem is very reflective of how I have been feeling for months on end. Board exams are near, entrance exams are near and you’ll be proud to know I am failing my exams left right and centre. I might have to make blogging a full time thing after school. Senioritis is a real thing, but I am feeling is more than a mere ‘I’m so done with school’ its a full blown- I will fail and will end up homeless and alone on the streets.

I will give these last couple months my entire heart and soul because fairly, I DO want to be just done with the subjects I study at the moment because I love love love political science and international politics and history and sociology and English and I want to learn those in university as soon as I possibly can, because the sheer amount of tears physics and chemistry have made me cry out is actually insane.

I present to you- tears of a student. 

Everyone has a best friend that is not me, 
Everyone knows what they want from life, just not me
I click on the ‘undecided’ tab under major preferences because I see
I battle
I fight my inhibitions
Why do I feel so worthless when I think of how I love to study the world
Not in the scientific sense, unfortunately 
I hate that I love subjects that dont seem to make any money
I hate that I love paintings and music, and arts and dances
I hate that I’m not smart
Why is that I am the furtherest from reality when I need to be aware
I am a product of sheets and marks
Social media consumes me from inside out
A soul sucking addiction I can’t seem to get out of 
I hate myself for making decisions I regret
I have an irrational superiority complex
Each night as the tears that were meant for my happy events
Gets soaked by my pillow
I fear I will wake up the next day with 
An email meant for another
But it will say, in bright bold letters
Failed to discover.
Recover myself from my empty desk 
Full of ambitions I have neatly folded and kept
I dont know if I have the courage to look at them again
I matured too early, but I am too head-fast
I know that I am not as smart
Academic validation is my craving
Like a vampire searching for its prey
I am tired of feeling this way
Please  let me have a year
A year of pure discovery 
I want to learn and travel
I want to know what it feels like to be alive
And not be restrained by just another institution 
But I am not as bold,
I crave stability and risks are scary
I am just another cliche 
I failed myself and my parents
Just another disappointment, waiting to be discovered 
By the monsters in my head, feeding off my regret
My leg hasn’t stopped shaking since the last year’s result
I know I can learn given enough interest 
Its just that my love lies in the hall across from mine
But I never had the courage to listen to my heart, 
I hate that I love to pick myself apart 

It’ll all be over soon but I fear,
It might be too late to save me from myself
I’ll drown in an abyss unable to breathe
And I’ll die sinking thinking of myself
As a product of yet another unresolved destiny.

I would in fact, love to be done with physics and chemistry.

Bye snakers, hopefully see you soon!

what is anything anyways??

Posted on by Jahnavi Dhir

I overthink. I believe most of us do, or at least have, at some point. or you know those shower thoughts. or like late night weird ass things you question about the planet? like what if an alien attack happened RIGHT NOW, what would I do? or like if I was robbed RIGHT NOW what would be my escape plan? and sometimes your brain tricks you into thinking that this the best use of your time. to make an escape plan, of your own house. but my overthinking has a ✨variety✨

I can think of anything from ‘what if I met harry styles’ to ‘what if I had a more, chilled out family?’ and the last thought stuck with me, for a little while. what if my parents were the more traditional. the more normal kind? what if my brother was more calm and laid back? what if my grandparents were more involved in my life? what if I made more effort in relationships? and so many other ‘what ifs’

these thoughts are overwhelming to say the least. and honestly, they are tiring and a waste of your precious time on this planet, but I understand that it is hard to stop them, they are like this pesky little insect that just won’t leave you. and its hard because people may mistake your obsessive thoughts with being philosophical. which ok to be fair, in my case im kinda like this overdramatic wattapad fantasy writer?? I mean, I basically overdramatise every little thing.

anyways, like I was saying, stoping these thoughts is a long hard process, and im not a psychologist so I won’t even try to mention any techniques, though I’ll mention a few links that might help, right here

but sometimes, we do question everything. our economic status, do we deserve it? or do we deserve less or more? we might even question what it means to be a young adult? to be ourselves? to have friends, or family? at least I did question all of them-

here’s a tiny tad bit of a long poem with everything and nothing all at once. I meant nothing and every damn word in this poem : D

What is anything anymore?

Sometimes I question 
What would be my state
If I had a normal family
Would I still be up at 3 
Overthinking?
Or would my papa 
With his angelic voice
Put me to sleep?
Would he still be drinking away
All his problems 
Or would be he up and awake
And try to make a way 
For his children?
Would my mom be crying
Because she hates her husband
Or would they be a team
Like they promised in their vows
Reality is nothing anymore
People can change with the blink of an eye 
And that is freaking scary 
To be 15 
And know things that shouldn’t be known until later on in life
You grow up faster,
Correction, you are forced to grow up faster
And you loose yourself in the process
What is you anymore?
Do you cry 
Or not? 
Do you smile
Or not?
Do you think of magical fairytales
Or not?
What are you anymore?
You lost yourself 
The second your father 
Raised his bottle to his lips
The same sound that once comforted you
Keeps you awake
Wondering
Worrying
What comes next?
15 year olds shouldn’t be thinking about making money, right?
15 year olds shouldn’t be up at 4 am thinking of a plan to run away, right?
15 year olds shouldn’t be crying silently when the world is sleeping, right?
But what is a 15 year old anymore?
13 year olds shouldn’t hate the man who brought them to life, 
13 year olds shouldn’t be making comics of himself in a world without his father
13 year olds shouldn’t be wishing on someones death
13 year olds shouldn’t have to see their hero drown himself in whiskey and beer, gambling away and crying when he lost
But what is a kid anymore?
A wife shouldn’t want to leave her husband
A wife shouldn’t want to seek for divorce
A wife shouldn’t have to ask her husband to leave their children alone
Correction, her children alone
But what is a working mother anymore?
A husband shouldn’t have to ask her wife for money to gamble away
A hero shouldn’t have to miss out on his child’s life for liquor
A father should have to be the kind of man her daughter would want for herself not the kind of man she is told to stay away from 
But what is a father
What is a messed up husband anymore?
What are friends anymore?
The ones that leave when things get too messy?
Or the ones who stay
And make things worse?
What is family anymore?
The blood that connects them
Or the money that blinds their filthy actions?
At this point I’ve started to question 
Every thing I’ve ever known 
And for that I’m grateful 
Because I’ve known wrong
And treated them as rights
Its time I realise
That nothing is black and white
And nothing is anything anymore.

bye snakers, meet ya later 🐍

uselessness

Posted on by Jahnavi Dhir

hi. I have felt useless before. I’m so sure at some point, you have too. my condition might have been a little towards the extremity of the emotion, but im sure yours is just as painful. watching someone being harassed, or someone being rude or abusive to their partners, sometimes you feel as if you can’t do anything. to some extent, you can’t and its not your fault, but sometimes, you are in the receiving end of something unfair. that doesn’t mean that everything is automatically under your control and you can walk away from feeling weak and vulnerable, instead, that situation makes you even greater of a survivor. to have been feeling lost, weak, pathetic to standing up and hoisting your middle finger like a flag to all your abusers and uncomfortable situations is a long hard process and if anyone manages to get that done, they deserve all the love there is on this goddamn mud planet.

now, let’s talk about trauma. it exists, and your trauma is real. everyone has trauma, ranging from ones in the battlefield to trauma in their households or schools. childhood trauma is real, and it has the power to change someones whole fucking life, though whether it dominates ones life throughout is a question only the survivor can answer.

well, I hope you don’t really like my rantings, because

here is my ranting, but in a poem form : D

early mornings, late nights

Did you ever have to go to your mom
And ask her not to cry?
To sleep beside her because you were scared of what she would do 
Not to you but herself
Did you ever have to 
Hear her cry 
And sob 
Her shoulders shaking violently 
And all you could think about was to leave
Not because you didn’t love her
But because it was way too hard to see
Her husband
Is in the living room 
With a bottle in his hands
Like every other day
He doesn’t give a flying fuck 
And at this point
It doesn’t matter
You used to cry about every little pathetic thing
But now you barely shed your tears
If someone twists your arm to the best of their ability 
Or if someone yells at you for yet another mistake
Its as if, your tears are shy 
And petite
Only when you are alone
They seem to appear
In little tiny streams 
From the depths of your tired eyes
Slowly taking away every bit of life with them 
Across your cheeks 
Gliding over your chin
And falling onto your empty bed
Leaving your eyes hollow and lifeless
With each passing day
You can’t look at your mom 
And find her happy 
Because she rarely is
And as much as you’d like to blame her husband
You seem to find faults in your own self
She might not regret having you 
But you know that life would have treated her better
If she never had your useless self
There was a time 
When you had a father
And you could remember his eyes, sober
When he didn’t say things that caused your tiny heart to rip apart
When he actually talked to you
Without having drunk any poison 
And he kept all those ugly cards
And things are different now
The only constant is change.
He only talks when he’s fucked up
And tries to make us his slaves, 
But a day will come 
When I’ll leave 
I won’t even talk to them again
And believe me when I say
I won’t even wake up in the middle of the night
Consoling my mom 
Like every early morning, but in vain.

I’ve recently learnt that in case you relate to this poem even a tiny bit, please visit a therapist.

so, snakers, whatcha think of it? my online fiancé said and I quote, ‘the trauma tho, depressing, its beautiful im ur biggest fan’, so that positions taken, but oh well, she loves exaggerating shit for the ✨theatrics✨ of it.

bye snakers 🐍

childhood traumas lmao; a word dump.

Posted on by Jahnavi Dhir
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I have issues. Like every other human being I have issues. Some internal and some born out of external stimuli that I had or have no control over, and yes sometimes it feels like it’s my fault, in many cases it might as well be. But the thing is, I don’t have to blame myself over and over again, especially for other people and their actions. Now where am I going with this? I’ll let you in on a secret and then we will go from there.

Life is not perfect. No person that you know is perfect. No relationship is, no family, no friends, nobody’s life is perfect. And honestly, it’s time we as a society let that sink in and actually believe in it. Photos lie, people lie. That might be for various reasons, face saving, protecting yourself from societies remarks or any other reason, but to assume that if someone looks happy, they are; is wrong. Sometimes, people reach out but to the wrong people and then, it is too late to help. So many people stay in relationships they hate, just because of reasons they can’t explain, or are waiting for the right time to leave. And to judge them based on half truths is wrong.

Now what does that have to do with me? Lets just say, my life is not perfect either. I wanted it to be that, I really wanted it to be like the girls I see online, but the realisation came not so long ago, that their life had to be really messed up too. When I was younger, I wanted the girls that I look up to, to loose what they had. To have a life like mine. Problems like mine, because in my naive conceited mind, they didn’t seem to have any problems, problems like mine. But as I was scrolling through the internet one day, I came across this saying which went something around the lines of “Would it make you happy if they lost everything?” and that was when I realised, ‘Well, No-‘ and my perception, the very narrow minded perception I had, changed. Jealousy is an emotion we all know very well, but we don’t discuss it enough, it’s natural but we as a society have constructed this idea that those emotions are wrong, but the fact of the matter is, it isn’t. How can something that every human feels be wrong to talk about?

It’s about time, we talk about how our warped idea of a family, of relationships and of people affects us as a society. Heres a poem about, well its for you to interpret.

Gambles.

Sitting at the desk 
Trying to complete your math homework
You sit
You cry 
You don’t understand
But you try 
Its been a good 2 hours
Suddenly your dad comes to you 
Roaring with laughter
Happy 
Jackpot 
Win 
He won money
We can be rich
But dad, why?
Doesn’t matter 
He screams
Whistles
Intoxicated
You cry 
Of fear
Of anger
Of him 
Hours pass by 
Its dinner time
He isn’t here
Must be by the living room?
He had his phone
Might be earning money? 
Everyones asleep 
Its 4am 
You are awake
Hyperaware
Confused
You hear muffled cries
You go into the living room 
You gasp 
Unfathomable
He’s on the floor
Crying
Screaming
Muffled screams
Weak 
Stupid
What happened dad?
He won’t answer
You sit beside him 
Water? 
Food?
That might help 
You are scared
He never cries
Last time you saw him cry 
His mother died
What happened?
We lost it 
I lost it all 
What? What dad? 
Its all gone
A lot of it
Im gonna loose everything
Dad you need to stop 
You go the bathroom and 
close the door
You cry 
Disheveled
Hysterical
Useless
Unstable
Pathetic.
You wake up 
But can’t think of anything else
The amount is not enough to 
Make you homeless
Or kill you of hunger
You realise
Exactly how fragile
Reality is 
You can’t trust
You can’t love
You can’t be sure
You stay awake
Afraid to sleep 
Because you dream of 
Hunger 
Starvation 
You live each day in the fear
of loosing everything
Tired 
Stupid
The only thing that 
keeps you going
Is the fact that 
you have time
To leave him behind 
To start a better life
Without fear
Without cries
Farfetched 
But not impossible
You try 
But its too late
You never had time
Its over
Its all gone
You lost
You were never enough
Family is mere blood
Dishonest
Weak
Screams 
Muffled failure
It’s done.

So, a pretty dark poem, as I said, it’s up for interpretation. Snakers, this blog is turning darker by the minute and you should be here for it.

See ya later!

A memorial for 2020

Posted on by Jahnavi Dhir

Throughout the year I have felt different emotions depending on different times of the year, for example when the lock down/quarantine started, I was hopeful that this year wouldn’t or couldn’t be any any worse, but 2020 surprises me with every passing month. Worse things happen every 30 days, we go through a rollercoaster of emotions. While many positive things happened in this year, which are very hard to count because those are so rare!

The process which I go through in my mind when I am sad or frustrated or angry is that I express those emotions with the help of rhyming words, and surprisingly that only happens when my emotions revolve around sadness or a low point in my life. On the other hand, whenever I am happy, I tend to write about my emotions in great detail. I tend to cherish and preserve those moments for ever, I tend to write journals, I tend to paint, I do art in general and write positive things or listen to positive music or basically be in a jolly mood.

Whenever I am sad, as I mentioned earlier ,I write poems, but that too with a specific niche! I never write about exactly what has happened in my life. For example if I have gone through a loss of a loved one, I wouldn’t write about their death in general, I would write about a metaphorical situation in which the character in the poem will go through grief, will go through the loss of someone but I wouldn’t mention how do I know that character ,what is the relation of the character, I would never mention that, I would just vaguely write about my process at that particular moment.

This is because I do want to preserve feelings of loss, frustration, anger, and grieving. I want to preserve those emotions but I do not want to be specific about where I felt sad “exactly”. I do not want to specify what was the low point in my life. Because if I do not preserve those emotions, I just become a horrible person because I don’t understand where I come from, all of the losses that I have held, all of the sad things that I have felt, all of the grieving that I have gone through. I would just remember the happy times and it would be toxic to my own self.

For every poem that I mention in this blog post, I will give a caption of what vaguely was going through at that moment, so in the future, that is 10-15 years later, when I go through this blog post, I realise how bad this year was and what exactly I felt. Not exactly “how” I felt it but “what” I felt. That is more important in my opinion! And here are the poems.

I can’t tell you (1)

I wrote this poem when it had been around 2 to 3 months in the lock down, and I couldn’t study. I was at an extremely low point in my academic career. I was suffering and grieving in silence and I totally condemn that. I believe that you should talk to someone, whenever you are going through a low phase in your life. I wouldn’t mention how I got to that point but just know that talking to my friends, to my family and opening about my issues to my teachers helped me a lot, and if you’re in a similar position you should talk to a trusted someone as well. Lots of power to you.

I wish I could tell you

I wish you could know

but I am too dam slow

if I were you talking to me

I’d most probably flee

I am the opposite of glee

I am full of crap

my thoughts are too hard to map

I am so done with things that bring me joy

lately I feel as if I was a toy

I do this ,then I do that

meanwhile I am just getting fat

but these feelings won’t just go away

they need a home

unfortunately I found a way

the parent is this poem

I am done (2)

So another thing that I am very open about, is my claustrophobia. My claustrophobia has been with me for a few years now and it’s not as serious as some people. I am very grateful to have it at mostly mediocre level so it’s not too hard on me. But obviously it brings a lot of anxiety, and it brings a lot of frustration, brings a lot of scary feelings. Basically this poem was when I went through a claustrophobia attack and I felt trapped within my mind, my body and my soul and again if you have an issue with anything, your mental health, physical health, emotional health, talk to someone, open up to someone, it does wonders. Lots of love

Maybe all I can do is give up

This is greater than just me

I always had a problem with people

I would normally just flee

I could never bring people glee

I wanna move on

I imagine myself in a jungle

probably the amazon

Trapped within the green

Why is it so dark?

Why is everyone so mean?

I wanna get out.. I just don’t know how.

help me?

Initially I thought that I would include more poems, but I don’t think that I can put together more sad feelings. I do have them preserved with me, and I recommend that you do it as well. You cherish every single moment in your life, whether it be good or bad. But you obviously don’t have to, if it brings you pain. Understand what your situation is, and cope with it through your mental process. Also if someone, anyone can benefit from reading these poems or my experiences, you can contact me through my social media which are going to be mentioned below and talk further if you wish to.

Thank you for taking out your time to read this and I appreciate all the love! happy journey✨

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