I overthink. I believe most of us do, or at least have, at some point. or you know those shower thoughts. or like late night weird ass things you question about the planet? like what if an alien attack happened RIGHT NOW, what would I do? or like if I was robbed RIGHT NOW what would be my escape plan? and sometimes your brain tricks you into thinking that this the best use of your time. to make an escape plan, of your own house. but my overthinking has a ✨variety✨

I can think of anything from ‘what if I met harry styles’ to ‘what if I had a more, chilled out family?’ and the last thought stuck with me, for a little while. what if my parents were the more traditional. the more normal kind? what if my brother was more calm and laid back? what if my grandparents were more involved in my life? what if I made more effort in relationships? and so many other ‘what ifs’

these thoughts are overwhelming to say the least. and honestly, they are tiring and a waste of your precious time on this planet, but I understand that it is hard to stop them, they are like this pesky little insect that just won’t leave you. and its hard because people may mistake your obsessive thoughts with being philosophical. which ok to be fair, in my case im kinda like this overdramatic wattapad fantasy writer?? I mean, I basically overdramatise every little thing.

anyways, like I was saying, stoping these thoughts is a long hard process, and im not a psychologist so I won’t even try to mention any techniques, though I’ll mention a few links that might help, right here

but sometimes, we do question everything. our economic status, do we deserve it? or do we deserve less or more? we might even question what it means to be a young adult? to be ourselves? to have friends, or family? at least I did question all of them-

here’s a tiny tad bit of a long poem with everything and nothing all at once. I meant nothing and every damn word in this poem : D

What is anything anymore?

Sometimes I question 
What would be my state
If I had a normal family
Would I still be up at 3 
Overthinking?
Or would my papa 
With his angelic voice
Put me to sleep?
Would he still be drinking away
All his problems 
Or would be he up and awake
And try to make a way 
For his children?
Would my mom be crying
Because she hates her husband
Or would they be a team
Like they promised in their vows
Reality is nothing anymore
People can change with the blink of an eye 
And that is freaking scary 
To be 15 
And know things that shouldn’t be known until later on in life
You grow up faster,
Correction, you are forced to grow up faster
And you loose yourself in the process
What is you anymore?
Do you cry 
Or not? 
Do you smile
Or not?
Do you think of magical fairytales
Or not?
What are you anymore?
You lost yourself 
The second your father 
Raised his bottle to his lips
The same sound that once comforted you
Keeps you awake
Wondering
Worrying
What comes next?
15 year olds shouldn’t be thinking about making money, right?
15 year olds shouldn’t be up at 4 am thinking of a plan to run away, right?
15 year olds shouldn’t be crying silently when the world is sleeping, right?
But what is a 15 year old anymore?
13 year olds shouldn’t hate the man who brought them to life, 
13 year olds shouldn’t be making comics of himself in a world without his father
13 year olds shouldn’t be wishing on someones death
13 year olds shouldn’t have to see their hero drown himself in whiskey and beer, gambling away and crying when he lost
But what is a kid anymore?
A wife shouldn’t want to leave her husband
A wife shouldn’t want to seek for divorce
A wife shouldn’t have to ask her husband to leave their children alone
Correction, her children alone
But what is a working mother anymore?
A husband shouldn’t have to ask her wife for money to gamble away
A hero shouldn’t have to miss out on his child’s life for liquor
A father should have to be the kind of man her daughter would want for herself not the kind of man she is told to stay away from 
But what is a father
What is a messed up husband anymore?
What are friends anymore?
The ones that leave when things get too messy?
Or the ones who stay
And make things worse?
What is family anymore?
The blood that connects them
Or the money that blinds their filthy actions?
At this point I’ve started to question 
Every thing I’ve ever known 
And for that I’m grateful 
Because I’ve known wrong
And treated them as rights
Its time I realise
That nothing is black and white
And nothing is anything anymore.

bye snakers, meet ya later 🐍