before I start talking about this poem- a quick mention to the prompt I got at WordPress. It said to write about my father or a father figure in my life, and to that I say, no thank you WordPress I’ve trauma dumped enough here already.

Anyways, sorry for being awol for months. I hated writing for a hot second there. I hated reading, writing, even calligraphy. I think I have successfully, burnt out in my senior year, not good timing. I think today’s poem is very reflective of how I have been feeling for months on end. Board exams are near, entrance exams are near and you’ll be proud to know I am failing my exams left right and centre. I might have to make blogging a full time thing after school. Senioritis is a real thing, but I am feeling is more than a mere ‘I’m so done with school’ its a full blown- I will fail and will end up homeless and alone on the streets.

I will give these last couple months my entire heart and soul because fairly, I DO want to be just done with the subjects I study at the moment because I love love love political science and international politics and history and sociology and English and I want to learn those in university as soon as I possibly can, because the sheer amount of tears physics and chemistry have made me cry out is actually insane.

I present to you- tears of a student.

Everyone has a best friend that is not me, 
Everyone knows what they want from life, just not me
I click on the ‘undecided’ tab under major preferences because I see
I battle
I fight my inhibitions
Why do I feel so worthless when I think of how I love to study the world
Not in the scientific sense, unfortunately 
I hate that I love subjects that dont seem to make any money
I hate that I love paintings and music, and arts and dances
I hate that I’m not smart
Why is that I am the furtherest from reality when I need to be aware
I am a product of sheets and marks
Social media consumes me from inside out
A soul sucking addiction I can’t seem to get out of 
I hate myself for making decisions I regret
I have an irrational superiority complex
Each night as the tears that were meant for my happy events
Gets soaked by my pillow
I fear I will wake up the next day with 
An email meant for another
But it will say, in bright bold letters
Failed to discover.
Recover myself from my empty desk 
Full of ambitions I have neatly folded and kept
I dont know if I have the courage to look at them again
I matured too early, but I am too head-fast
I know that I am not as smart
Academic validation is my craving
Like a vampire searching for its prey
I am tired of feeling this way
Please  let me have a year
A year of pure discovery 
I want to learn and travel
I want to know what it feels like to be alive
And not be restrained by just another institution 
But I am not as bold,
I crave stability and risks are scary
I am just another cliche 
I failed myself and my parents
Just another disappointment, waiting to be discovered 
By the monsters in my head, feeding off my regret
My leg hasn’t stopped shaking since the last year’s result
I know I can learn given enough interest 
Its just that my love lies in the hall across from mine
But I never had the courage to listen to my heart, 
I hate that I love to pick myself apart 

It’ll all be over soon but I fear,
It might be too late to save me from myself
I’ll drown in an abyss unable to breathe
And I’ll die sinking thinking of myself
As a product of yet another unresolved destiny. 

I would in fact, love to be done with physics and chemistry.

Bye snakers, hopefully see you soon!