hi. I have felt useless before. I’m so sure at some point, you have too. my condition might have been a little towards the extremity of the emotion, but im sure yours is just as painful. watching someone being harassed, or someone being rude or abusive to their partners, sometimes you feel as if you can’t do anything. to some extent, you can’t and its not your fault, but sometimes, you are in the receiving end of something unfair. that doesn’t mean that everything is automatically under your control and you can walk away from feeling weak and vulnerable, instead, that situation makes you even greater of a survivor. to have been feeling lost, weak, pathetic to standing up and hoisting your middle finger like a flag to all your abusers and uncomfortable situations is a long hard process and if anyone manages to get that done, they deserve all the love there is on this goddamn mud planet.

now, let’s talk about trauma. it exists, and your trauma is real. everyone has trauma, ranging from ones in the battlefield to trauma in their households or schools. childhood trauma is real, and it has the power to change someones whole fucking life, though whether it dominates ones life throughout is a question only the survivor can answer.

well, I hope you don’t really like my rantings, because

here is my ranting, but in a poem form : D

early mornings, late nights

Did you ever have to go to your mom
And ask her not to cry?
To sleep beside her because you were scared of what she would do 
Not to you but herself
Did you ever have to 
Hear her cry 
And sob 
Her shoulders shaking violently 
And all you could think about was to leave
Not because you didn’t love her
But because it was way too hard to see
Her husband
Is in the living room 
With a bottle in his hands
Like every other day
He doesn’t give a flying fuck 
And at this point
It doesn’t matter
You used to cry about every little pathetic thing
But now you barely shed your tears
If someone twists your arm to the best of their ability 
Or if someone yells at you for yet another mistake
Its as if, your tears are shy 
And petite
Only when you are alone
They seem to appear
In little tiny streams 
From the depths of your tired eyes
Slowly taking away every bit of life with them 
Across your cheeks 
Gliding over your chin
And falling onto your empty bed
Leaving your eyes hollow and lifeless
With each passing day
You can’t look at your mom 
And find her happy 
Because she rarely is
And as much as you’d like to blame her husband
You seem to find faults in your own self
She might not regret having you 
But you know that life would have treated her better
If she never had your useless self
There was a time 
When you had a father
And you could remember his eyes, sober
When he didn’t say things that caused your tiny heart to rip apart
When he actually talked to you
Without having drunk any poison 
And he kept all those ugly cards
And things are different now
The only constant is change.
He only talks when he’s fucked up
And tries to make us his slaves, 
But a day will come 
When I’ll leave 
I won’t even talk to them again
And believe me when I say
I won’t even wake up in the middle of the night
Consoling my mom 
Like every early morning, but in vain. 
 

I’ve recently learnt that in case you relate to this poem even a tiny bit, please visit a therapist.

so, snakers, whatcha think of it? my online fiancé said and I quote, ‘the trauma tho, depressing, its beautiful im ur biggest fan’, so that positions taken, but oh well, she loves exaggerating shit for the ✨theatrics✨ of it.

bye snakers 🐍