Tag: personal life

Written at night; A collection of unpublished poems.

Posted on by Jahnavi Dhir

Its 3 am and i’m wide awake

wondering if someone else thinks of me

just as I think of myself

I hate sleeping. For whatever god awful reasons that might be, I hate sleeping. I usually try going to sleep when I am absolutely tired and cannot keep my eyes open anymore, but oh well, that might just be me. Now, here’s the fun part, when I am trying to tire myself, to try to get myself to sleep, I write. Or read, but I might as well write, and that process usually starts in the early mornings, around 3 am, but please don’t tell my doctors they might freak out because this happens, a lot-

So, what did I do of my poems? I kept them in a folder on my notes app, locked. No one usually sees them, not my family, friends, anyone. But a couple weeks ago, I said, and I quote, “F***k it” and decided to post them online and show them to my friends. Honestly I didn’t expect to get any positive reviews but I was sort of surprised because, maybe, people liked them? Or they might just be saying positive sh*t because its easier to lie.

Anyways, here are some of my poems that I wrote late at night and seem presentable to me. And if you don’t have anything constructive to say, please just- don’t say it. And try to learn the difference between “This sucks” and “This would be better if you replaced this word with this word, maybe?”

Also, y’all know how I’m like claustrophobic? Yeah keep that in mind for the first poem, maybe~

Afraid

i’m afraid of the dark
hold me close or i will shatter
the walls are too thin
too thick
too close
too far away
closing in
i can’t breath
but i can’t stop
it’s over
i’m fine
i’ll live another day in the fear of collapsing 
i’m fine.

Death

death is the only constant 
that nags the living 
the only factor
that tames 
even the most horrendous of beasts
but what if there were no repercussions 
of actions too gruesome?
of actions too kind?
of actions too black?
too white?
would there exist a grey?
a space to just
live?

Loneliness 

being alone and lonely 
are two completely different things
but which one is easier?
which one hurts less? 
to know that there are people out there
cherishing and loving you
yet you cannot love them back because you are scared
or to know that the day you are gone
the only cries will be from the sky above?

Feelings

you spent your days
your nights
your tears and life
trying to make someone
happy and feel cherished 
but then one day
you feel 
off
they don’t like you
don’t love you
don’t wanna see you
and then you stay up
at night
wondering, contemplating 
where did it all go wrong?
what did i do?
was it my laugh?
my giggles?
my body?
my tears?
and now it’s 3
you can’t sleep
so you cry
sob
pathetic.
hysterical.
useless.
unloveable.

I swear I write happy poems too, sometimes,

occasionally,

like once a month,

ok once every 3 months,

yeah that’s a good estimate.

Kindness

it’s 8 am
you are in school
your 7 year old self
sitting alone
watching
observing
the teacher comes in
and writes on the board
in bright bold letters
‘if you are kind to others
others will be kind to you’
you sit at your table
watching
learning. 
you are 25 and life hasn’t been easy
you cry yourself to sleep
you sob
delusional. 
kindness never got you anything 
you tried
you were kind
but that doesn’t matter now, does it?
your everything 
was abused. 
yet you chose to be 
polite 
petite 
pathetic.

Ok kids, that’s a wrap. I am done and this is good enough for today. I have WAY MORE poems and I’ll share them but I’ll milk them out as much as humanely possible. Because I love quantity not quality as you can very well see~

Bye, snakers. yes, you, reading my poems, you are a snaker.

fight me.

A memorial for 2020

Posted on by Jahnavi Dhir

Throughout the year I have felt different emotions depending on different times of the year, for example when the lock down/quarantine started, I was hopeful that this year wouldn’t or couldn’t be any any worse, but 2020 surprises me with every passing month. Worse things happen every 30 days, we go through a rollercoaster of emotions. While many positive things happened in this year, which are very hard to count because those are so rare!

The process which I go through in my mind when I am sad or frustrated or angry is that I express those emotions with the help of rhyming words, and surprisingly that only happens when my emotions revolve around sadness or a low point in my life. On the other hand, whenever I am happy, I tend to write about my emotions in great detail. I tend to cherish and preserve those moments for ever, I tend to write journals, I tend to paint, I do art in general and write positive things or listen to positive music or basically be in a jolly mood.

Whenever I am sad, as I mentioned earlier ,I write poems, but that too with a specific niche! I never write about exactly what has happened in my life. For example if I have gone through a loss of a loved one, I wouldn’t write about their death in general, I would write about a metaphorical situation in which the character in the poem will go through grief, will go through the loss of someone but I wouldn’t mention how do I know that character ,what is the relation of the character, I would never mention that, I would just vaguely write about my process at that particular moment.

This is because I do want to preserve feelings of loss, frustration, anger, and grieving. I want to preserve those emotions but I do not want to be specific about where I felt sad “exactly”. I do not want to specify what was the low point in my life. Because if I do not preserve those emotions, I just become a horrible person because I don’t understand where I come from, all of the losses that I have held, all of the sad things that I have felt, all of the grieving that I have gone through. I would just remember the happy times and it would be toxic to my own self.

For every poem that I mention in this blog post, I will give a caption of what vaguely was going through at that moment, so in the future, that is 10-15 years later, when I go through this blog post, I realise how bad this year was and what exactly I felt. Not exactly “how” I felt it but “what” I felt. That is more important in my opinion! And here are the poems.

I can’t tell you (1)

I wrote this poem when it had been around 2 to 3 months in the lock down, and I couldn’t study. I was at an extremely low point in my academic career. I was suffering and grieving in silence and I totally condemn that. I believe that you should talk to someone, whenever you are going through a low phase in your life. I wouldn’t mention how I got to that point but just know that talking to my friends, to my family and opening about my issues to my teachers helped me a lot, and if you’re in a similar position you should talk to a trusted someone as well. Lots of power to you.

I wish I could tell you

I wish you could know

but I am too dam slow

if I were you talking to me

I’d most probably flee

I am the opposite of glee

I am full of crap

my thoughts are too hard to map

I am so done with things that bring me joy

lately I feel as if I was a toy

I do this ,then I do that

meanwhile I am just getting fat

but these feelings won’t just go away

they need a home

unfortunately I found a way

the parent is this poem

I am done (2)

So another thing that I am very open about, is my claustrophobia. My claustrophobia has been with me for a few years now and it’s not as serious as some people. I am very grateful to have it at mostly mediocre level so it’s not too hard on me. But obviously it brings a lot of anxiety, and it brings a lot of frustration, brings a lot of scary feelings. Basically this poem was when I went through a claustrophobia attack and I felt trapped within my mind, my body and my soul and again if you have an issue with anything, your mental health, physical health, emotional health, talk to someone, open up to someone, it does wonders. Lots of love

Maybe all I can do is give up

This is greater than just me

I always had a problem with people

I would normally just flee

I could never bring people glee

I wanna move on

I imagine myself in a jungle

probably the amazon

Trapped within the green

Why is it so dark?

Why is everyone so mean?

I wanna get out.. I just don’t know how.

help me?

Initially I thought that I would include more poems, but I don’t think that I can put together more sad feelings. I do have them preserved with me, and I recommend that you do it as well. You cherish every single moment in your life, whether it be good or bad. But you obviously don’t have to, if it brings you pain. Understand what your situation is, and cope with it through your mental process. Also if someone, anyone can benefit from reading these poems or my experiences, you can contact me through my social media which are going to be mentioned below and talk further if you wish to.

Thank you for taking out your time to read this and I appreciate all the love! happy journey✨

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