As a young adult about to enter college, it is, obviously, a dilemma among others as to ‘what do I spend the next 4 years studying’, this is definitely the most crucial of them all. As a child with no external pressure regarding my course choices, it was all upto me. And although I had been procrastinating the ever evident ‘heart vs head’ for a solid 2 years now, this was the time to make a decision once and for all. Wether to follow my passion for words and diplomacy, or study business. I had a whole list of pros and cons that had seen multiple changes over the last years, I had talked to professionals in the fields, My own mother is a career counsellor for god’s sake. But yet, my mind had always faltered between these extremities. Safe vs Passion. 

Before delving into my inner dialogue, I wanted to touch on a rather sensitive topic. Financial insecurity. Lack of money as you grow up, or a traumatic incident wherein you experience a shortage of money suddenly, can alter your world view. Can make you question your Morales, ethics and sometimes, your integrity.  I experienced financial insecurity for a short while, it wasn’t ever as evident, my lifestyle had no sudden changes, but the underlying tension whenever my brother asked to eat out. My own hesitance when it came to asking mom for a new thing. Nothing was ever said, always felt. My mother handled the situation like an expert. I owe my entire being to her, but even a mother might not be able to understand what goes in her ward’s mind. Not her fault, not in the slightest, but sometimes it’s the situations that are to blame, not people. 

After experiencing an unsaid restraint of money, my entire concept of life changed. I started viewing my existence as a means to earn more money, my dreams, discarded. What are passions if they do not provide a comfortable lifestyle. I started preparing for entrance exams to the top business schools in India. I did so, with little interest because- it wasn’t something that I had honestly wanted to do. While applying to yet another business school I came across a course, one that was- quite honestly- a dream for a person like myself. Diplomacy, international relations, psychology, government, all wrapped up as different subjects, moulded into one perfect course. But, although I loved what they taught, I couldn’t bring myself to apply. With a lot of regret in my glassy eyes, I closed the tab. Let myself wallow, and went to class to prepare for B-School the next day. 

It wasn’t that I didn’t like business. A good amount of people said that my ideas had value. A few suggested I focus on entrepreneurship. And I respect and thank them to have such faith in me; A random 16 year old they had talked to, a handful of times in their lives. And I knew these weren’t the kind of people to flatter and appreciate shallowness. So there was substance in my preparing for business. But I knew that I could do B-School at 26, but I wouldn’t be able to do diplomacy at 32. The time limit for passion, was short. It required immediate action and dedication. On a random Wednesday evening, I offhandedly mentioned the course I so loved to my mother, as a ‘what is your professional opinion on this’, and her curt reply was ‘I’ve never heard of it’. Immediately my brain became foggy and I knew that I had wasted time even thinking that I could do this course, but her next sentence piqued my interest ‘But it seems like something you’d do well at. Tell me more.’ Enough to light a spark in my brain. I blabbered on and on about how this was the perfect course ever, it had the best subjects in one specialisations and it was so freaking interesting. My mom simply looked at me and smiled. The one which screams ‘I’m your mother and I know you better than you know yourself’. Enough to light a fire in my brain. 

I asked on the internet, used the hyped ChatGPT, an AI model to tell me about the career pathways by this course, found government departments I didn’t even know existed. I found a stable pathway after this degree, and then 5 more. And then the emotional rollercoaster started yet again. I cried almost every night, wondering if I should follow my heart or be practical. Humanities never pays enough. Science isn’t where my heart lies. Business isn’t something I want to do at this point in my life. Oh what an academic mess. 

Eventually, on one faithful night, I opened my email. There lied a mail from ‘The Daily Stoic’ a newsletter revolving around Stoicism; a philosophical theory publicised by Seneca and other great roman men way back in the day. The title read ‘Handle what you can control first’. An except from the letter says,

It’s interesting though how often we complain or chafe against these constraints…yet when the ball actually is in our court, we’re slow. We’re indecisive. We don’t do our best.

More than strange, it’s wasteful madness.’

And so the puzzle was solved at last. This is a decision I have to make, I have control over my life, I know where my interests lie. I had to consciously choose not to choose the easy way out. A run of the mill career pathway is so so enchanting. Get a good college, do a course, go to B-School, get into FAANG and you are set for life. There is no debate that some people enjoy this, some are good at it, and some get satisfaction from working 9-5. And it is not to shame the employees of big companies. But I knew that if I were to spend the next 30 years of my life in a MNC- I would be highly disappointed in myself on my death bed. Not because it would be ‘bad work’ but it would be work with no impact. I wouldn’t be able to improve anyones life but mine. I would think that I would die selfish in the most extreme sense, and I couldn’t settle with the idea. I decided that I needed to go big or go home, and home wasn’t comfortable. So I did what 30 people in all of India will be doing. I applied and got in, a relatively new course. Studying the national policies of India. With a glimmer in my eye, hoping to work on public policy. I am, ultimately, selfish, as most of us are, as I hope to do something the world will remember me by. But I think I can live with being selfish if it improves lives.

And I am not a pessimist, a realist maybe. If I do end up empty handed after a few gruelling years in this course of study, or if I end up wanting to pursue business ,I will always have the option open. There’s a backup plan for every backup plan in my books. (Probably why I considered Strategic studies in the first place)

To all the people reading this. I promise you, I dont- infact- know. I dont know if I made the right decision. Only life and time will tell. But if time does me right, if I do me right, I think I might be on the right path.  As I once read, ‘It is easy to steer a ship on water than on land’. Although there’s no shame in steering your ship, you need to get in the sea. See what lies ahead. 

A life on the waters is most probably more adventurous than on land I suppose. Wouldn’t be wasteful madness.